Attachment and Adult Relationships
If you haven’t yet read out post on attachment styles and how they were created, start here.
Before we jump into discussing attachment styles, I want you to take a moment to reflect on your own attachment style. You can do this based on the information from the previous post, your own research, or take a free quiz.
Although our attachment style is developed in the first year of life, they are continually influenced by other relationships over time. Other experiences during childhood, adolescent and adult life can alter and shape our attachment styles. This is important to note when we begin to discuss the healing of attachment styles, which we will come back to later.
Attachment styles show up most in adult relationships when they feel threatened or when there is a problem (or perceived problem) in the relationship.
Secure
Someone with a secure attachment style, may be able to openly share their feelings with their partner or feel comfortable seeking support when faced with relationship problems. People with a secure attachment are empathetic towards their partner while also being able to set boundaries. They often feel safe, stable and satisfied in their close relationships. They have found a balance in independence (trusting themselves) and close, meaningful relationships (trusting others). Having a secure attachment doesn’t mean you will avoid any relationship difficulties, but when you experience these challenges you will feel safe enough to take accountability for your own mistakes and are willing to seek support as needed. It means you are able to maintain emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage inevitable conflicts in close relationships. You are able to balance being a support person to your partner and asking for support. In the world of therapy, secure attachment means you have learned to live in the grey (or in DBT, have mastered the flow of Both/And in relationships).
Anxious
People with an anxious attachment style often are seen as “overly needy”. They tend to be anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. Those with an anxious attachment style crave deep emotional intimacy, but worry that others don’t care for them the way they want them to. They often are embarrassed about being clingy or constantly craving love and attention. They may constantly worry about their partner leaving or abandoning them, questioning if their partner cares for them. Relationship conflict often causes immense anxiety and even panic for people with an anxious attachment style. Often viewing the relationship only as strong or as positive as their very last encounter with their partner (i.e.. If we just had a great night, our relationship is great, BUT if we just had an argument, our relationship is doomed or horrible). People with anxious attachment often struggle to fully trust or rely on their partners. They can easily become overly fixated on their intimate/romantic partner (abandoning other important relationships in the process). They may find it hard to observe or accept boundaries, as having space evokes panic or fear that they are no longer loved. Self-worth is often derived from the relationship or the partner. Because of the feelings of anxiety or jealousy, they may use guilt, controlling behavior or other manipulative tactics to try and keep their partner close. They may ask for or crave constant reassurance and attention from your partner. Oftentimes, this anxiety and perceived clinginess can cause problems in the relationship, making it hard to maintain close relationships and furthering the belief and fear that others will leave.
Avoidant
Adults with avoidant attachment styles (also known as dismissive) are the opposite of those with an anxious attachment style. Instead of craving closeness, they are highly focused on independence. They often fear deep emotional connection with others and sometimes perceive this as a breach of their independence. They can find it hard to open up and tolerate emotional intimacy. Often valuing their own freedom that it can stifle close relationships. People with avoidant attachment often believe they don’t need others and are content to care for themselves. They can become withdrawn if their partner is trying to get close. Their partners may accuse them of being closed off, guarded or rigid. They tend to minimize or disregard partners feelings or keep secrets from partners as a way to regain their sense of freedom or control. Those with an avoidant attachment style may initially prefer casual relationships to intimate ones or search for partners who are equally independent. Eventually, this can cause challenges as we as humans are hardwired for connection. Even though someone with this attachment style may not outwardly desire close connection, deep down they want meaningful relationships, if their fear of intimacy would first go down.
Anxious Avoidant
Anxious-Avoidant (also known as disorganized or disoriented) attachment style refers to a combination of the previous two. Often due to childhood trauma, neglect or abuse, these people tend to crave close connection, while also being fearful of depending on others. Most with a disorganized attachment style also never learned to self-soother their emotions, causing relationships and stress of day-to-day life to feel frightening and unsafe. This attachment style often finds relationships unsettling, as they swing between emotional extremes of love and hate for their partner. Their is often a push-pull (I hate you, don’t leave me) mentality to relationship, where they push their partner away as a tactic to try and test their love. They can at times be insensitive towards their partner, as they are often highly critical of others around them and themsevles. They may be more likely to develop addiction or other behavior patterns to avoid or numb out high level emotions. They often crave security and safety in relationship, while also feeling unworthy of love or fearful that to depend on someone.
So now what?
If you have read thus far, it may feel overwhelming or like you are doomed to continue to repeat these patterns in every relationship, however, that is not true. The first step of healing is beginning to recognize these patterns in yourself so you can begin to make conscious change. You have the power to challenge these beliefs, expectations and patterns of behaviors to create new and healthier relationships for yourself. It is even possible to create a healthy and secure attachment style for yourself as an adult.
There are many things you can do to start to improve your attachment style and relationships on your own:
Improve your communication, especially nonverbal communication (body language, tone of voice, etc.)
Boost your emotional intelligence by becoming more aware of your emotions and how to read others’ emotions
Develop relationships with people who have secure attachments
If you are interested in extra support or coaching services to help you master the previous skills OR if you are a caregiver who wants to work on improving your own skills so you can best support those you care for, click here for individual coaching services.
Sometimes, you may find that your attachment style has been impacted by childhood trauma. Traumatic experiences, especially those experienced during childhood, greatly change our perception of ourself and our ability to be safe in the world around us. IFS therapy can be a helpful tool that allows you to work towards healing your inner child and connecting to the parts of you that fear trusting others. If you are located in the state of South Dakota and interested in trauma therapy to heal your attachments, reach out here. If you are located outside of South Dakota and interested in trauma therapy to heal your attachments, I recommend utilizing PsychologyToday to find a licensed therapist in your area.
Sources:
Robinson, L., Segal, J., & Jaffe, J. (2019, July 2). Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships
The Attachment Project: Learn Attachment Theory from Experts. (2020). Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/